Finally, grace.

Just a moment ago, I sent off an apology email to a couple of people that I have been avoiding for over six months. I've been avoiding them because I said hurtful and ugly things about them which they overheard. I've been avoiding them because I have been too ashamed to say, "I was hurt. I was angry. I was bitter. I acted this pain out on you because I wanted you to hurt, too. And I am sorry." And by avoiding them, I hurt their kids who now believe that I don't care about them and have abandoned them.

I feel lighter, now. Sending that email was really a big gift to myself. I forgave myself and Compassion came in, soothing me with understanding and grace. I had been punishing myself ever since the mean words came out of my mouth in July and it's nice to hear myself say, "Okay, you've done your time. You can come out of that rotten prison cell of self loathing and shame now."

I understand that those I hurt may not be able to forgive me as I have and I am okay with that. I get that they may choose to protect themselves and their kids from me and this is okay. It really is. I realize that it really is my own forgiveness that I require. I need to tell myself, often, that I will make mistakes and I will hurt people and I won't be perfect in relationships or in life but that this is all okay. I am still okay. I am still worthy of my own compassion and grace, even when and if others decide to deny me theirs.

It's as if I have finally given myself permission to be imperfect. I have held myself to a standard that is quite impossible for anybody to reach. It requires that I not be human, that I never act of out fear or insecurity or anger or hurt. But I am all of these things sometimes. I am scared and I am insecure and I am angry and I am hurt. To deny these feelings is to live a smaller life, a locked up life, a constricted and stinted life. I am not interested.

As of today, I am embracing my humanity in all of its fumblings. I am human. I am silly and serious and scared and stained. I am hairy and bumpy and I don't look like the girls on MTV or in fashion magazines. NOT EVEN CLOSE. I have rolls that hang over the sides of my pants and I hate them. I am often jealous of others, especially people who seem content with their lives. I am convinced that sex with me is extremely disappointing. I am messy and inspiring and disappointing and likeable. I truly believe that if I were skinny I would be happy. I hate that I believe that. I will probably say or do something someday that will offend or hurt you and this is okay. I get it now. It really is okay.

And when and if I do, I will send you a letter asking for you to show me the same grace that I have shown myself. We're all just trying to figure out this life thing and we will bump into one another along the way. I think you're doing the best you can given what you know right now, and if I were there I would give you a high five.