It is so hard to admit that I am not strong enough to hang out with my ex and his girlfriend and my ex's ex and her boyfriend and their kids. I just don't want to be there. I don't really like any of them and I know that they don't like me. I wish that I was able to rise above it all, like some sort of Mother Teresa who hovers above all of the awkwardness and ugliness and remains rooted in her worthiness.
But this is not me. When I am around them I look more like Britney Spears, tweeked out and angry. Being in the home of my ex and his girlfriend is like hanging out in a torturous dream where I am sitting on my old couch, looking at photos that I took and framed, playing board games with the girls that I used to tuck into bed at night. My old bed, at that. With the comforter cover that I sewed. That matches the lamp I bought. And so on.
I am not good at this. I would like to be. I would like all of this to not bother me, to be able to participate in this very non-traditional family system where half of us slept with the other half and we're all okay with this, where there are multiple stepmothers and half siblings and grandparents. I would like to be like Bruce and Demi and Ashton, but I'm just not. And I don't think I ever will be.
I've been judging myself as weak for being unable to rise above it all for the sake of the kids. I've believed that it means that I have some big character flaw, or that I'm too traditional, or that I don't love my stepdaughters or that I never did. I've bought into this belief that I shouldn't still be affected by my ex and that I should be able to be around him without walking away totally wrecked. But oh well. So I'm weak. So I'm traditional. So I'm not done being hurt. Okay.
And so I am faced with asking myself, "Is it serving me to stay involved?" The answer to this is not as simple as it may seem. First of all, it is not in my programming to serve myself or to take care of myself very well. I have been programmed to believe that to serve oneself is selfish and quite un-Christlike. I was taught to put others before myself, to place my needs to the side and ensure that everyone else around my is served first. In the past, I have done this to such an extreme that I have almost died from my own lack of self-nurturing. To give myself permission to help myself first feels nearly impossible, but I am gaining in my experience of doing so the few times I have had the courage.
One of these times was when I left my ex. Getting out of that mess of a relationship was one of the most self-serving, courageous things I have ever done. Being around him was like being around a toxic poison that I had somehow devloped an addiction to. He was no good for me. Yet, I feel a deep obligation to stay connected with his children. I truly believe that to fully remove myself from the situation would be traumatic for them. And so the dilemma emerges: take care of myself or take care of them.
But this is not me. When I am around them I look more like Britney Spears, tweeked out and angry. Being in the home of my ex and his girlfriend is like hanging out in a torturous dream where I am sitting on my old couch, looking at photos that I took and framed, playing board games with the girls that I used to tuck into bed at night. My old bed, at that. With the comforter cover that I sewed. That matches the lamp I bought. And so on.
I am not good at this. I would like to be. I would like all of this to not bother me, to be able to participate in this very non-traditional family system where half of us slept with the other half and we're all okay with this, where there are multiple stepmothers and half siblings and grandparents. I would like to be like Bruce and Demi and Ashton, but I'm just not. And I don't think I ever will be.
I've been judging myself as weak for being unable to rise above it all for the sake of the kids. I've believed that it means that I have some big character flaw, or that I'm too traditional, or that I don't love my stepdaughters or that I never did. I've bought into this belief that I shouldn't still be affected by my ex and that I should be able to be around him without walking away totally wrecked. But oh well. So I'm weak. So I'm traditional. So I'm not done being hurt. Okay.
And so I am faced with asking myself, "Is it serving me to stay involved?" The answer to this is not as simple as it may seem. First of all, it is not in my programming to serve myself or to take care of myself very well. I have been programmed to believe that to serve oneself is selfish and quite un-Christlike. I was taught to put others before myself, to place my needs to the side and ensure that everyone else around my is served first. In the past, I have done this to such an extreme that I have almost died from my own lack of self-nurturing. To give myself permission to help myself first feels nearly impossible, but I am gaining in my experience of doing so the few times I have had the courage.
One of these times was when I left my ex. Getting out of that mess of a relationship was one of the most self-serving, courageous things I have ever done. Being around him was like being around a toxic poison that I had somehow devloped an addiction to. He was no good for me. Yet, I feel a deep obligation to stay connected with his children. I truly believe that to fully remove myself from the situation would be traumatic for them. And so the dilemma emerges: take care of myself or take care of them.
I would give anything to just walk away from him completely. I would love to just have the leisure of deleting his number from my phone and never, ever having to be around his toxic energy ever again. But there are other people involved with whom I feel a duty to remain connected to. It's just not as simple as I would like it to be.
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