I'm gonna let it shine.

I had a dream a few days ago. It was a doozy. All layered and vivid and filled with stuff my unconscious self apparently wants me to deal with. Including my fear of writing.

Ghandi once said that it was our light we were afraid of, not our inadequacy. What I'm discovering is that the light I shine tends to hurt people's eyes and they just want me to shut down. And so I did. But I'm getting tired of hiding within my own life.

It only took one person to tell me that I was acting ungrateful, ugly and spoiled to shut me down. It only took one person to tell me that what I was writing was hurting her feelings to stop me from heading to the keys for my own comfort. I have trouble letting others take responsibility for their own feelings and assume that I actually do have that much power.

I hold these fantasies that, someday, after this or that person is gone, I will be able to come out of hiding. I can tell my stories. I can share myself fully. I won't have to edit myself or maintain a facade that makes others comfortable. My life feels as though it is on pause until then. Which is the definition of enmeshment. Murray Bowen would have a field day with me.

It feels important that I begin here, again. Start the process again. Just sit here in this expressive space and just sit, if that's what I need to do again. Epilepsy and critical family members found my blind spot and sent me to the sidelines for quite a while. I'm limping back.

Back on the Wagon.

So, I just got rid of my TV. Again. It took a great deal of energy to push through the resistance screaming from inside of me, but I did it. It's in a cabinet in the hallway, out of my bedroom.

I cannot be trusted with television. Really, I can't. I'm like an recovering alcoholic who thinks to herself, "Oh, I can have just one beer." Three hours later I'm glued to the TV, watching the all day marathon of Project Runway, all intentions of writing or otherwise being present totally out the window.

I have been listening to the voice within that has been begging me, urging me to WAKE UP. Live. Fully. Embrace the moment. Drink in the day. Taste it and swish it around. Love each moment. Love each person who walks by. Show up. Your life is here, now. Breathe it in! The TV is like a lullaby, gently rocking me back into snooze mode, numbing me out, lulling me off to sleep.

Here's another thing TV does to me: it makes me feel bad. I mean, there aren't a lot of commercials that send the message, "Hey! You're fantastic just the way you are! Really! You've got everything you need within to change your outer reality! Take a moment to reflect on all of the beauty around you and be GRATEFUL!" No, no. When I pay attention, I see that the main message that's getting subtly but powerfully lodged into my consciousness is "You're not enough," and "You're unsafe." Not good. And not true.

So, bye bye TV. Again. I'm back on the wagon. Now it's time to go make my bedroom a sanctuary where I am daily inspired to wake up and be in the moment. And to love it, fully.

Throw it All Away.*
Music by Glen Phillips and Toad. Lyrics by Glen Phillips.

take your cautionary tales
take your incremental gain
and all the sychophantic games
and throw 'em all away
burn your tv in your yard
and gather 'round it with your friends
and warm your hands upon the fire
and start again
take the story you've been told
the lies that justify the pain
the guilt the weighs upon your soul
and throw 'em all away
tear up the calendar you've bought
and throw the pieces to the sky
confetti falling down like rain
like a parade to usher in your life
take the dreams that should have died
the ones that kept you lying awake
when you should've been all right
and throw 'em all away
with the time i waste on the life i never had
i could've turned myself into a better man
'cause there ain't nothing you can buy
and there is nothing you can save
to fill the whole inside your heart
so throw it all away
won't fill the whole inside your heart
help me empty out this house
the wool i've gathered all these days
and thought i couldn't do without
and throw it all away

P.S.... While looking for images for this post, I found this picture. Ewww.