There are times when I hold him so tightly, hold on to him for dear life while images of him being molested by some creepy babysitter go running through my head like crazed Vikings, pillaging the nicer fantasy I hold of him becoming a well-balanced and emotionally intelligent young man. Every night, as I rock him to sleep, I pray these words out loud, more to soothe me than him, more to remind me than to teach him, more so that I will be able to sleep rather than ready him for bed:
The light of God surrounds us,
The love of God enfolds us,
The power of God protects us,
And the presence of God watches over us;
Wherever we are, God is and all is well.
Living with Jack is like living with my most vital organ running around outside of my body, totally vulnerable to some angry person to kick at. My friend, Melissa, once asked me what it felt like to be reunited with him after not seeing him for a while and I told her it feels like coming up for breath after a long time under water. I can breathe again. You are here. I can hold you, safe.
3 comments:
I love how you are able to put those unexplainable motherhood feelings into words that can be understood (at least by other mothers). By the way... I cried last night during SVU too. When Stabler's wife was stuck in the car I had this horrible feeling. Yuck.
Dear sweet Amber,
I love your prayer, as I love all your prayers, and read it over and over. It is now printed out and stuck to my monitor, which is the 21st century version of the Pulitzer...
Jen: Thanks for the kind words. When I became a mom, I was automatically brought into the Club of Motherhood, a membership that I'm not sure that I want. I've always listened to those women, the women in the Motherhood Club, and they seem so..., well, obsessed with their children, crazed and overwhelmed, talking about diapers and butt cream like it's worth the fifteen minutes they're giving it... It's all very Sex in the City, like I'm Miranda straddling the single world and the motherhood world and the hip, young 30 something world all at once. Weird.
Billy: I accept with great honor. Thank you!
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