Hate Mail (or, Why I Don't Hate Poland)

Back in June, I wrote a piece called Why I Hate Poland. It really had nothing to do with Poland except that Poland is where my best and sorely missed friend is living for a year abroad. I, not knowing how much I would anger all of my Polish readers, thought it would be funny to blame my sadness and loneliness on the entire country of Poland, a sort of ridiculous displacement of my feelings. I also thought that the ridiculousness of this would come through in my writing, however apparently I thought wrong. Poles, it seems, are a very proud people. Just take a look at this response:

"You're a complete idiot, especially when it comes Poles and Poland. People are not friendly? Bad pickled food? Yes, I'm sorry, we seem to have embraced that exclusive dining establishment known as "Taco Bell." You're a prime example why people laugh at Americans abroad." ~Anonymous

Whoa there, anonymous. I mean, you are quite worked up about all of this. A complete idiot? I'd say I'm just 30% idiot, 20% hot vixen, and 50% astonished that you could have missed my point so entirely! Oh, and by the way, you should hear what they say about Polacks here in America.

That is what the hurt would have said. But instead, I just wrote:
"Dear Anonymous, Dear, dear anonymous. Ah..."

So, I was a little frazzled. It was my first blog hater, and I was a surprised at how jarring of an experience it was. That and how personally offended Anonymous was. And how much he/she had missed the point. I mean, he/she was really angry, and really really off the point. Eventually (and after several emergency sessions with my therapist), I forgot about it and moved on.

However, I was reminded of it when a few months later someone named Lisa wrote this:

"I hate anonymous."

...which got this titillating, if not scathing, response:

"You're a prime example why people laugh at Americans abroad."- -Anonymous You're great!!! ps. Wkońcu ludzie na świecie widzą kim są Amerykanie. A według mnie to niżej spaśc już nie mogą. And Lisa who are you? An American? I think so... you can only write: " I hate you" but you can't even defend yourself and your country. And you know why? Because you have not any arguments. And speaking of Poland, don't criticize my country, you surely have not a better one. No one really knows how it is to live in Poland, you must live here to know that. And Poland compared to America is a heaven. Sorry for mistakes.

Whoa, again. Whoa, whoa whoa. What the eff is going on? Who are these super sensitive Poles, anywho? And how are they finding my blog? There are no Poland haters in the house. Okay? Seriously. Maybe the humor doesn't translate, maybe there are entire blogs out there devoted to hating Poland and you're sick of it, maybe the Polack jokes have made their way back to you and you're furious. I don't hate Poland! I don't even know Poland! It was a lame title for a lame post. I get it. Jeez!

Okay, so, fast forward to a couple of weeks ago and, BANG! Another response to add to the Polish-American Blog War of 2007, this time delivered by yet another "Anonymous:"

It's almost hilarious how nervous Polacks become one someone complains that they don't admire ANYTHING in that HEAVEN :D And then they post their devastating anti-american criticism with shaking hands, putting in some angry words in Polish to prove they're better (well they DO know an extra language except English, wow!)... AMUSING !! GO POLACKS !! :P But seriously... those people really should chill out and abandon their collective thinking. No, Poland is not Heaven not even compared to the US, and yes, Polish food sucks. Please don't kill me for my opinions.

No, it's not you who will be killed, it will be me. Thanks to this guy, Mr. I'm Totally Condescending While Trying To Come Off as Jovial and Intellectual, I'm going to end up on some Polish Mafia hit list. Please, if I don't post for over a month, inform the authorities!