I don't hate everything about being a mother. Take Jack. I like Jack. He's actually an incredibly cool kid. He's funny and entertaining and sweet and cuddly. He's engaging and intuitive and he laughs easily and heartily. And I like other stuff about being a mom... I like the cute stuff about it. Like making Halloween costumes and getting to peruse the toddler section at Target.
But there's just so much about it that sucks. Like never, ever, ever getting to sleep in. Ever. And holding down a second job just to be able to afford a babysitter. Or, in my case, watching each one of my friends start avoiding my calls because they know I'm calling for free babysitting. And there are these moments where I fully believe that the insides of me are going to come shooting out of my mouth in a firey blaze of rage. This feeling usually happens at about 8:45am when I'm running late to work (due to having a toddler stuck to my leg all morning), have no makeup on (due to melt down about a bug), have no food in belly (due to melt down about lost choo choos), and I'm strapping a kicking child into a car seat. RAHHHHHHHHHHH!
Motherhood and I just feel a little bit incompatible right now. I'm craving social interaction and staying out late and sleeping in until noon. I'm irritated that I can't stay over at a friend's house, have too much wine, or take a weekend road trip. I'm frustrated that I can't go running when I get home from work because that three hours of time is all we have together before his bedtime. I know it's not about Jack and I really, really make an effort to not take my own stuff out on him.
It's really weird to equally loathe and love something so much. He can, in the same moment, fill me with rage and pride, annoyance and adoration. These pictures are from this morning when he woke me up (an hour earlier than normal) and screamed and cried and whined for a good 45 minutes or so. By 7 am, I had decided that I was going to hate today. I pulled out my laptop and googled, "I hate motherhood" to see if there was anyone else out there who could share in my misery. Turns out there aren't a lot of people admitting to it. But, it was in this moment that Jack hugged me around my neck, kissed my cheek and (in the most adoring voice) said, "Mommy!"
In case you were wondering, Jack was wearing his Halloween costume here. I don't usually dress him as a sailor. And don't be jealous of my morning hair.
4 comments:
There are the days.....when you just wonder....what did I do? :-)
I had such a great day yesterday. I helped my sister clean and paint her new house that she is renting. By the end of the day, I was dead tired, sweaty and smelly, and my hands, biceps and shoulders killed from rolling paint for about five hours straight. The best part of my day? I had a 12 hour break from my kids.
It's a mixed bag. I got home, and they were soooo happy to see me and being sweet and kissy. And I loved it because I had the break I had been needing and was ready for the smothering again.
Wish you were in Texas so you could drop Jack off and go have some wine! OR...so you could drop Jack off with Steve and we could go on a weekend road trip!
Courts,
I am on my way over. Tell Steve to put on his babysitting pants.
Miss you too!
ADORable pictures! Could you two be any cuter? Not as cute as your cousin Chinny McChinderson, but still cute.
;o)
blmjr
I have to agree with the mixed emotions. Are we all bipolar when we enter motherhood? I'm exhasted asleep trying to ignore the pain that the vicodin is only dulling slightly and Katie comes in my room and says (very sweetly) "Mommy, stay awake!" Then she leaves after being ignored for a few moments. Irritated, I realized how incredibly sweet she was and she just misses me when I'm out of it. We all need co-op babysitting.
Miss ya.
Jen
Post a Comment