Lisa, Mirna, and Aunt Melissa

I thought I was adjusting well to this whole going-to-work thing, but after this shit-hole week I'm certain I'm headed for the Betty in no time.

I'll write more about that later. But today, I just want to write about how supported and loved I am, even though I threw an orange across my kitchen today in frustration and in front of my child. My anxiety levels are..., well, a wee bit elevated these days and my tolerance for frustrating and annoying things is at an all time low. I kinda feel like a four thousand pound python is wrapped around my shoulders and squeezing at all times, ready to squeeze the last living breath out of my chain-smoked lungs. And my son, wh0's been sick and feverish and needy all week, is missing his normally attentive and loving mother as she has been replaced by this woman.

I'm not good at asking for help because I really do believe that I should be able to do everything myself. There's also a bit of "you-made-this-bed-now-lie-in-it" mentality going on inside my religiously-trained and guilt-ridden mind, making it super hard to ever ask for a hand when my life feels out of control. I really feel like I don't deserve to get help and that I need to find a way to manage my responsibilities on my own. Nobody got you into this mess, nobody's gonna get you out.

Whoa. Nasty voices in my head.

But today, after the orange throwing, I decided I needed some help. I was quickly unraveling and obviously going insane and Jack needed the safety of an individual who was not hurling fruits and cuss words across the room. So, I called Aunt Melissa who agreed to take him into her shelter. Shortly later, my friends Lisa and Mirna called and offered to drive out to my part of town, pick my overwhelmed and anxious ass up and take it to the movies with them. They paid for everything: tickets, popcorn, sodas, and Korean barbecue for dinner, afterwards. Mirna's husband, who had learned through the grapevine that I had lost my ID and my debit card and therefore have no access to money, insisted that Mirna give me cash for gas money. She refused to let me pay her back.

Internet, I cannot begin to express how overwhelmingly grateful I am to have somehow manifested these amazing people into my life who unconditionally support me and take care of me, even when I feel so undeserving and horrible. Thank you, Mom, for doing my dishes on Friday. Thank you, Craig, for the tank of gas that I don't have to worry about anymore. Thank you, Lisa, for an afternoon of feeling taken care of. Thank you, Mirna, for never making me feel undeserving of help. Thank you, Melissa, for giving my son a day of fun and snuggles with you and the dog. I am so lucky and blessed to be so supported and loved. My cup runneth over.