Jack just might be the most valuable asset to the United States Department of Defense, but they don't know it. He might just be able to solve the whole Middle Eastern crisis if the US military would just tap into his innate skill as a torture device. Waterboarding? Bah! Who needs waterboarding? We've got Jack Rice! Ten minutes left alone in a room with him whining about milk or Thomas or juice or the sandbox will send anyone, ANYONE to give up even the most important of national secrets.The first thing I hear every morning is his whining. He wakes up grumpy and fussy and crying and goes to bed doing the same thing. He doesn’t know how to ask for anything without whining for it and it is driving me CRAZY. I want to grab a roll of duct tape and wrap it around his mouth and not take it off until he’s five and can ask for things in full sentences.
I totally understand that he is just doing what he knows how to do. I know that I should ignore the whining and tell him to ask for things in a nice voice. And I do. About 47 times a day. And I begin to lose my patience with it at about time 16. It’s getting really old. Really, really old. Lately all I can think about is taking a vacation to a land where toddlers don’t exist.
Most of the time, including right now, I feel pretty lame about how little patience and tolerance I have for the stuff of motherhood. I have to bite my tongue, every morning, when he refuses to get dressed and all I want to do is throw my own little tantrum. I have to force myself to remain level when he stands at my legs begging, up up up, after I’ve just stepped out of the shower. Never mind the fact that he stood at the door of the shower crying for me the entire time I was in the shower. Or that he opened the bathroom door and now my mom, dad, and their guests now know every curve, roll, and dimple on my body.
It feels as though his level of need for me is beyond what I can give. And I am starting to resent him. I know that his whining and needing and clinging and fussing is his way of letting me know that I am not present enough with him but the truth is… I’m not. I don’t want to be. I want to get as far away as possible from that black hole of need and not-enoughness. It is exhausting. It is so draining. And so I sort of stiff arm him, energetically, and he goes insane with fear and abandonment.
It hasn’t helped that he’s been sick for two weeks which just amplifies all of the icky stuff like the whininess, lack of sleep, and generally fussy mood, and leaves very little room for fun. I need to have fun with my son again. I want to enjoy being a mom with him instead of feeling like its all chore, work, and annoyance. I want to share a moment with him where we’re both surprised and delighted and enjoying the company of one another. I don’t expect every day to feel this way and I certainly don’t expect to like everything about being a parent. But I am ready to like him again. And like me around him.
Moms? Dads? Tell me you’ve been here and tell me what you did to get out.
10 comments:
Well, I can't tell you how to get out of this. I CAN however, tell you that I've been there and am there RIGHT NOW! Katie wakes up grumpy and whines all day. Diego wants to be held all day and stands at the shower, peeking in the curtain and crying because I'm not holding him. (I hate one-uppers, but here I go...) On top of all that, my kids don't ant to play with anything unless the other one has it. Diego is a pincher and sometimes a biter. Katie settles for punching. Oh wait! Diego is also a hairpuller. Both of them have inherited my sarcasm and use it on me at the worst times. Anyway, this is your blog, not mine!! But, just know, I FEEL YA SISTER!
Ugh. Whining is the pits. I hope he gets over this phase soon, for your sake. This post is good medicine for my wretched baby fever (for which there seems to be no cure other than procreation... and it seems I'll have no confirmation on this for a long long time.)
My mom came home one day and told my brother that she had "new ears". She made a big deal out of it, let him touch her "new ears"...and also told him that her new ears could only hear "big boy words" and that they could not hear whining. He fell for it hook, line and sinker. But she had to ignore him whenever he was whining and only answer him when he used his big boy words.
But, like you said, Jack is whining because he can. So, along comes the opportunity to "train" him to communicate like a big boy. When my children would whine about something like..."I want lunch!" I would respond in a sing-songy voice with, "Mommy, may I eat lunch please?" They would instantly repeat my words and tone of voice. I was hoping that they would like the sound of my voice and want to talk like me. It worked really well and kept me positive. You can apply it to everything, like sometimes my Jack will say, "I don't want THAT shirt!" And I will respond in a cheery voice with, "Mommy, may I please wear I different shirt?" And he will repeat it back to me. Because my kids can have genuine needs and opinions, they just need to communicate in a respectful way. Now, with my two oldest, I can say, "How could you say that respectfully?" And they can change their words and tone of voice on their own.
This is a huge task in parenting, but so, so important. Hang in there! I remember the days when I used to sound like a broken record player, "say thank you", "say please", "say no thank you", blah, blah, blah...and now they just do it-amazing!
Oh Amber. Ok, I just had an exhausting discussion with my husband about this. My son has been an ABSOLUTE terror. I love him and would do anything for him....but I am guilty for putting him in his room, in bed, and playing his show with the door closed and I plop on the bed. I feel like it is pulling the life out of me, and my son seems to prefer my attention over anyone elses. It feels like there is never a break to the toddler terror. But you know what, that closeness afterward...knowing how much he loves and trusts you is awesome. You are his best friend Amber, the 'it' person. You are 'the one'. That is why you get the best and worst. Hey, I am willing to hear advice too. Please stop by my blog!
Jen: I have often heard that having two is easier because they can play together, but your comment helps me realize that the people who say this are as crazy as I think they are. Let's dump the kids on your hubby and go to Bleachers.
Melissavina: Glad I can help. If you're ever feeling the fever, you can always get more cowbell.
Amy: I agree. Politeness covers a multitude of sins, which is why I think it is so important that I teach my son to be polite and use manners. Sing song voice. Ok. I'll try it.
Sharon: little vampires. Yes. This is the perfect way to describe what toddlers are. Little vampires that suck the life out of ya. And yet, as we learn in Twilight, we can't help but love them.
Bleachers? Hell Yaeh! With you!? Even better! Kareoke (sorry can't spell it) Night with all the old crew??? I'm there! Leaving the kids behind? PRICELESS!!
Oh, and did I hear how when we are the closest to them we get the best and the worst? Does Sharon work at Hillview??
No, SHaron does not work at Hillview but she gets it. It's true. As SOON as I walk in the door after work, Jack falls apart. My mom will say, "he's been fine all afternoon! Hasn't fussed all day! Don't know why he's doing it now." Ummm, yeah.
I really should plan a trip up to see you. We deserve a mommy's night out (or two or six or seven).
I have a little escalator in my house too. Noah is such a passionate and intense little creature that there are days (usually at least part of most days) that I feel like I just need to escape.
What I've noticed is that he feels my stress/tension/anger/whatever you want to call it rising (because of him), and when mine rises, his rises higher. He gets more needy, I have less to give. And so we're on this terrible escalator headed somewhere terrible. And then I finally realize it's happening. I soften. He softens. He tells me he doesn't like it when he feels like I'm angry with him. I tell him I'm sorry. We talk about the frustration that caused the business. Kids have an amazing ability to forgive.
Another idea someone told me about is if you're having a really busy day, taking 'time ins' will really end up saving you a lot of time disciplining. In other words, every hour, stop for ten minutes and spend one-on-one contact playtime. Then, their need for you is met before they get all bent out of shape. (Thanks for the opportunity to be reminded of this. I've had to spend a lot of time doing repair stuff lately, and I've been pretty much ignoring the kids. Testy.)
Interesting, but for whatever reason, I don't have this same issue with Clara. When I rise with her, she's pretty good at diffusing it with humor. Personality, I guess?
Good luck, Amber. Each phase ends. It really does. Hang in there!
Christie Parker
God, Christie, you are a god send. Love it. It feels great simply knowing I'm not alone in this. I miss you... where the heck have you been?
i don't even know how i started reading this...i think your laying out topless status update intrigued me? but i'm glad i did because I AM IN THE SAME SPACE AS YOU with my boy. He turned 3 May 1 and this last week has made me want to loose my mind. Thank you for saying it because when I say it, I get the looks from other moms who think i'm bad. So...what have I been doing to get through? Tickling him a lot, just to hear him laugh...downloading shows on my iphone that he's never seen and trying to remember to just play with him...even in the middle of the tantrums and whining.
And...then I read your earlier bog about CHS I concur that they are all crazy too...and then got very scared that maybe you were talking about me...:) btw...i haven't read much, but i hope you're writing a book soon...anne lammott jr.
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