Dear Jesus,
Today has been a hard day. I know that you know this because you saw me kick my TV and throw my sunglasses. I know you saw me crying in my kitchen because Jack wouldn't leave me alone. He just won't leave me alone.
I hate that I want him to leave me alone.
Does this make me a bad mommy, Jesus? Does sometimes regretting having a child make me bad? Because sometimes, when I think about never being able to feel carefree again, never being able to sleep in again, never being able to spontaneously decide to go somewhere without the hassle and cost of finding a babysitter I feel very, very sad. I feel trapped by my own motherhood.
He follows me around the house, whining, saying "Up up up." When I hold him he kicks and squirms to get down. When I put him back down he says, "Up up up." Sometimes I get very angry at this and yell, "What the fuck do you WANT?" I'm sure you wouldn't ever say fuck to your kids, let alone yell at them.
I am convinced that I am permanently damaging him.
Why did I do this? I can barely take care of myself, let along another human being. I feel exhausted and overwhelmed and so, so tired. And I don't see any reprieve in sight. It's not like it's Wednesday at work and Friday's a comin. There are no weekends in parenthood. I could use a weekend, Jesus.
I don't want to be a bad parent. I don't want to not enjoy him. I don't want to feel trapped here inside my apartment, inside this small space of life where I am alone with a very needy child. I don't want to be angry at him for needing me but you saw me today, Jesus, pacing in circles in my kitchen, doing anything I could to keep from screaming at him.
Jesus, I could use a little attention. I could use a little being taken care of, a little nurturing, a little support. Please send me some. Thanks.
Yours truly,
Amber.
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18 comments:
I'm right there with you, Amber. Thank you so much for your writing. It resonates with me. You could publish a book with these essays... you've already got the title: Peanut Butter and Cigarettes.
Thank You.
Anonymous,
Thank you, thank you, for your lovely comments, and for letting me know I'm not alone in the ugly side of parenting. That means a tremendous lot to me. And thanks for reading!
Amber.
Hi dear Amber,
Just to say I'm listening. I think you're tremendously brave and I completely understand your feelings. Jack WILL get bigger and go to school and sleep later and become more independent. It will happen. Right now is probably the hardest it will get. Is there any way you can get more support?
Sending you loving and Light,
Val xxx
Amber. On meds over here and still.... right there with you! I wish you and I lived close enough to really support each other!
Jen
This posting shouldn't be tagged as 'Why I'm A Bad Parent.' It should be tagged as 'Why I'm A Normal Parent.'
Right now you are mom and dad. Double the responsibility. Think about working 80 hours per week. Give yourself some credit for being able to do what you do.
Peace to you.
I totally agree...."NORMAL PARENT". We all have days like that, or weeks or even months. It's not all sunshine and unicorns... but those moments far outweigh the ones your going through right now. It might just take some time and distance to realize it. Believe it or not, one day you will long for those toddler days. Max is so independent now, sometimes I just wish he would cling to my leg and cry for me all day, but I know it is hard. Believe me, I know.
Your a great mom and your going to make it and so is Jack Black.
love you.
Amber,
You inspire me. Honestly, if I end up being half the parent that you already are -- (someday), I will be a good one.
Your honesty is refreshing in a sickening world of Mr. Wiggles, Baby Bach and breast pumps.
P.S. In moments of true desperation, you can always Give Him Praise.
Give Him Praise.
Dear Val, Jen, IF, Traci and Leslie:
God love you, you have all made me feel so normal. Thank you for not calling CPS, thank you for helping me out of the dumps, thank you for telling me that it's okay to be tired, grumpy, lumpy, frustrated and annoyed and still be a good mom. I'm starting to believe it, so keep telling me.
I really do love you guys!
Leslie,
Okay, so because blogger emails me the comments, I don't always read them here. Which means that I didn't know that Give Him Praise was a link. Which means that I thought you were serious. For a second. Wow.
But this video reminds me of my friend's mom when I was in Jr High. She was a believercise aerobics instructor, which was basically just aerobics with Sandy Patti playing in the background.
...in a church basement.
If I can be any encouragement...
A loving, tired, honest, hurting mother is probably the softest drop a person can survive when they are beginning to learn about what the world really is. I think you're doing a better job than you think, and that Jack is very loved, very secure, and very well rounded.
My daughter is 16 months old and that's all I hear from her these days, too. (And she does the same squirming thing... yuck!) It is driving me nuts. I say something similar to "what do you want?" at least 50 billion times a day. I agree with another commenter, this is just how it is right now. I got so sick of it yesterday that I put the baby gate up and said "This is where mommy is playing right now, you stay where you are playing and later we will play together." It really helped that I wasn't getting touched and pulled at constantly! And I was just making dinner. ugh.
Melissavina,
I hope, hope you are right. Even if you're not, it feels good to believe that you are so I'm going to go with it. Thank you.
Anonymous,
I am loving the baby gate idea. And I love that you are going crazy, too. Please come back and make me feel normal, again.
Amber.
Amber, this is the best letter to Jesus I have ever read.
And so completely sums up the age that Jack is. It's amplified of course because you are his one and only, but still. Your letter gives me frightening flashbacks that cause me to start twitching and convulsing and wondering where my Xanax is.
If only Nick and Jack had been born at the same time. Err... never mind. It's better this way. =)
Dear Amber:
I can't help you, because I don't exist. If I did exist, it would probably be a much nicer world. But, you should you get out of incredibly small mindset, look around, and realize believing in a deity makes absolutely no sense at all. Intelligent people don't believe in god - amber, are you intelligent?
Sincerely,
Jesus
Yeah, Torin does the up up up then down down down BS all the time. Drives us nuts. Torin gets enough attention; yet you would think he was deprived of any affection the way he so intensly whines and cries at times. They tell me it's just a phase. They also assure me that he is not deaf which confuses me since he doesn't listen and defies everything I say.
Amber,
Your not alone. Parenting is hard work. It was never meant to be done alone but that is where you are at. Each day is your own new adventure where you might cry, laugh, hear your son fart, wipe up drool, etc..But that is your paradise for now. One day this will all be different and you will look back and laugh. I guess all I can say to sum this up is that Jesus truly loves you. How do I know? Because all you have to do is look in the eyes of your son and you can see HIM smiling back at you. Hang in there..You are not alone.
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